The problem with PCOS is that it sucks! plane and simple. Dealing with infertility has not been so great for me mentally. PCOS has a bunch of situations attached to it. One thing I have learned living with PCOS is that your moods are governed by it. Depression and anxiety are two major mental health issues that PCOS offers its victims in exchange for happiness. I'm pretty sure this has everything to do with hormonal imbalances, along with insulin resistance. I talk about PCOS because that is what I struggle with, day in and day out. Infertility is emotionally taxing and physically draining. Check this out, I kid you not, one day I looked like my regular self, thin and cute. Then the next day I looked like one of the "Tella Tubbys". I was so embarrassed, everything I consumed added more weight on to my 4ft 9in body if I drank a bottle of water, there goes 5 more pounds added to my stomach. Eating a healthy salad alone made me look like I was 6 months pregnant. That's a tough look to have when it's not on purpose. Needless to say, my PCOS was in full swing and I was a hot mess. Not checking my mental health and battling this evil phenomenon called PCOS, had me lookin' real crazy, I mean really crazy. My face had blemishes on it, hair was growing in odd places (for a woman) and the skin discoloration under my eyes began to look like coal. My eye could be a hereditary trait but I doubt it, my lack of sleep is probably the culprit. Sleep has always been my mortal enemy and it also did not help with my moods.
My husband and teenage kids never knew what kind of mood I was going to be in, this created a lot of chaos within my home. Depression grew tremendously with each failed IVF cycle. I blamed myself, I blamed God, and I became jealous of those around me who were pregnant or just had a baby. I didn't have anyone to talk to about everything I was feeling, my husband would be an ear but later would not really understand what I was going through. My friends, whom I love dearly, were able to help me as much as I let them in. Vulnerability with this aspect of my life and at this magnitude was not something I wanted to show. I knew they were not going to be able to grasp my circumstances because they never had to struggle with infertility. I alone was on a dead island and sinking fast. There were no search parties, or GPS location finders to pick up my cries for help. The feeling of being alone while surrounded by loved ones was the darkest place I have ever been in. Mentally I isolated myself and lost hope in the possibility of tomorrow. My husband, bless his heart, never left my side. In the most darkest of emotions, he remained calm and clear-headed. My husband did not allow my infertility to get in the way of him loving me or being an encouragement to me. There were times when I didn't want to hear him say "I love you for you, not for what you can or cannot give me". I was not on his wavelength, my whole mentality was corrupt, I felt broken like a misfit toy in the movie "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer". My self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence were non-existent, I felt like half a woman and sometimes not a woman at all. I was so jaded by PCOS, I could not enjoy the things around me. I did not value the one child God allowed me to have or the nephew we adopted, there was no joy to be had in my life.
Over time, with the help of God, my husband and my sister-friend Latonia Francois, the founder of www.letswritelife.com, I became mentally, spiritually and emotionally equipped to handle my infertility. The mental battlefield is self-esteem draining, hope killing and hazardous to my health. I thank God for my mustard seed of faith, the bible says in Matthew 17:20 "You don't have enough faith, Jesus told them. I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, Move from here to there, and it would move. Nothing would be impossible". My mustard seed allowed me to hold on to my faith and be thankful I'm not where I used to be or where I could've been.